John
Name: John.
Age: Your Mum's got an age.
Hates: His inability to enter Transvestite Beauty Pageants.
Likes: Teenage Cavemen.
Favourite Exclamation: 'Nithe Hairdo.'
Filmography: Sex With Mr. Collins, Dribbly Meow Meow, Unquarried Landmass, Vive La Dugong, Salem Witch Trials, Hank Nova, Te Whare and Te Furious, Get Rich or Roll the Die Trying.
Originating from the Highlands of Scotland, this immortal being has carved a niche for himself in the New Zealand asparagus herding fraternity - no easy feat considering their usual tendency to shun those who have received the mystic Quickening. John earnt the admiration of his fellow aparagus herders when he achieved the groups most lofty goal: to hand rear an asparagus until it grew to such a length that you could jump rope with it. His success in such endeavours has allowed him to pursue his twin hobbies of jet propulsion and shaving Natalie Portman's head bald. John's current projects include investigating fecal matter as a source of iron and zinc for run down squash players, and has engaged the Faroe Islands in a race to establish a working lunar colony.
