Cass
Name: Viscount Cass III of Fong
Age: Carbon dating estimates this at between 27,000 years.
Hates: Tortured artist types.
Likes: Feeling sorry for itself
Favourite Exclamation: 'You sir, are a scum sucking bag of crap, no offence intended mind.'
Filmography: Dribbly Meow Meow, The Salem WItch Trials, Unquarried Landmass, Hank Nova.
Previously thought lost to the world after the eruption of Mt Argent in 1066, the Viscount was rediscovered by noted international explorer and weapons grade postman Ernie Spang. It was found inside a wooden crate in the cellar of a mud hut in the Congo, where Mr Spang had set up his rotary pornograph ready for an evening screening with the Mbaah tribe. The Viscount was in poor condition, with many of its buttons missing and several of the gusset straps broken. It has since been revealed that the Viscount was regarded by the Mbaah tribe as a fetish, or sacred object, and their traditional ceremony of worship involved tribal elders taking turns to eat it whole, then regurgitate it. After repatriation to the Emirate of Fong the Viscount was restored by professional furriers, then released upon an unsuspecting world. Its acheivements to date include two US no.1 hit singles(1984's "Say, That Looks Like A Crayon!", and 1999's duet with Billie Piper "Heaux Bague"), entry to the United Nations as an autonomous state, double world championships in Alligator Slapping and the 100m dash-the-heck-away-from-that-pissed-looking-alligator, and laterly the first conquest of Mt Everest with no oxygen, food, or thumbs and using a prosthetic neck. The current whereabouts of the Viscount are vague, rumours placing it variously as a cowboy at a New Orleans Pelican Ranch, hunting big game in Cornwall, and protesting the poor treatment of Morrocanian Peasants at the embassy in Belgrade. One thing is certain however. If spotted, striped or dalmated, the Viscount should on no account be approached. It has been connected with the disappearances of several notable outdoor plumbing specialists in recent years, and appears to have a pathological hatred of tradesmen in general. If spotted it should be reported to the nearest police station for a free Toblerone.
